When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
