we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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