I wish my penis had an off switch
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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