At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize