i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
