We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
