News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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