I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
