i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
