i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my being single is dangerous.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
