Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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