I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
