Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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