just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he thought i was a dude.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
