just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
