Is it normal to miss your booty call?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
