So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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