I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
