now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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