My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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