I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
