Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
