i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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