Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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