Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
