He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she pinky promised me she was 18
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize