I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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