Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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