hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I would ride that face into the sunset
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
