I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
