If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
