If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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