Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
