I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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