I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
