Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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