i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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