If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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