My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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