Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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