I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
