My liver just broke up with me...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
