I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize