In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
