Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
