I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
