Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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