Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
