Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
