turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
