i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
