So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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