Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
