He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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