heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
