Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize