I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
