I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i dont even know how to be here
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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