i permit you to call me
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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