I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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