I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize