Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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