Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize