Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
