Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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