I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
