all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
