Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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