He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
