I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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