Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
