Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
not ubering you a puppy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
