The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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