This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
