dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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