Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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