textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Randomize
