my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
