There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
